I am juggling up all the thoughts in my mind right now. Everytime I am in the middle of my study routine, all the depressing emotions and realizations start to rush inside my system. There are things that make me regret and it keeps piercing through my flesh as if they are needles everywhere in my heart. And voices telling me that I should have not done it. They are telling me that I should have been better if I have forsaken those kind of things in my life.
"I used to be one of them but now I am not."
It is really depressing because there are a lot of things that I can't move on and I know that I should move on. The damage has been done. What has done is done and not even magic could revert back into places. It is hard to deal with this kind of feeling because I am all alone. I can't tell anyone about it because no one will understand. They can't share the same sentiments like I do because all of us have different dilemmas in life. And if they'll know what I've been up to, they will judge me and will get disappointed on the way I have changed.
Yes, I hate myself for being such a drama queen. I hate myself for being so stubborn to act on things in order to get rid of depressing situations. I hate myself for dwelling into sadness and hate. I hate myself for hating myself because I know it won't do any good.
I have changed. I am not the girl who used to be because universe changed me. Myself changed me. Society changed me. My stupid mind changed me. And I hate it.
I've been under the influence of trauma, paranoia and being scared for almost a month and I can't forgive myself for engaging such act. I keep on trying to convince myself that everything is alright. Everything is on track but demons around me are trying to inflict each influence to my system. Another reason that contributes to my depression. It scares me a lot because I don't want to destroy the trust and the love of those people who have high expectations on me. It doesn't matter if I have already destroyed myself discreetly. But as long as I can see them happy, I am fine.
I am the type of person who has the hard time of moving on. I am the type of person who drowns herself with tears when no one is watching.
I am lost inside.
I can see myself running fast through the tall trees of the abandoned forest. So dark, cold and empty. I am running as fast as I can until I can feel no pain in my heart. Sometimes, it makes me think, I don't want to be lost. I just want to disappear and never return again. :((